I wrote this post for my best friend’s blog, wordsbymara. She is a wonderful lady who helped me get back into the groove of writing. I am thankful she asked me to write this guest post, as it was rolling around in my mind for quite some time! Check out her blog, you will not be disappointed!
For the longest time I’ve been single and I used to think it was not by choice. Everyone around me – or so it seems – is in a relationship and when I would see them, I would think, Okay, it’s my turn; soon God will send someone my way, right?
But he didn’t and I would become more confused, and more envious of others in relationships. Soon the comparisons would come out. Why are they allowed to be in a relationship? What did I do to deserve to be single? And who doesn’t just love the comparison game.
Yet, there are always two sides to the argument. On the surface, I want to be in a relationship. I want to feel the love that my friends have with their significant others, because I have that love ready to give!
Or do I?
I’ve dated; I’ve been out with men since moving back to my hometown, and each time I went out on a date, I was super happy to get out there. Then the dates actually happened. I froze up. I began to feel distant not only from myself but I would physically and mentally distance myself from the one I was dating. Excuses would pour into my head and I would keep them up. He does this, or that, or he said this can you believe that?! Not only would the excuses keep me from dating again, but I would harden my heart toward the other person.
Because I was scared to let them in and see me.
It’s hard enough for me to open up to anyone, and now I was being asked to take me for who I am. Me, the awkward, geeky girl who prefers to read and write and watch British television. Not only that, but then there’s the possibility that they will like me and I’ll like them back equally and then we’ll fall in love and then we may get married and then he’ll have to live with me for the rest of our lives.
Whoa. Talk about a head rush.
So I would harden my heart; guard it against anyone or anything that tried to get in. I would hem and haw, and duck around relationships. To my friends I would say that I wanted to be in one, that I’m sick of being single. Then, when the time would come for me to be ready and willing to go on a date, I’d feel the guard come back up. I would say all the right things, smile at all the right places, but I would never get far enough that I would let anyone actually get to know me more than the surface. Then I would go home and I would talk to God, ask Him to help me, to let me understand why I was acting this way!
Only to now realize that not only was I guarding my heart on a physical level but also spiritually. I didn’t want to know what God had to say; I didn’t want to know that I was doing this to myself. And not only that, but I didn’t want to admit that I was running headlong into something that maybe I wasn’t ready for yet. Or that I was ready, but in my mind, I couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t let anyone in because that would mean opening myself up for heartbreak.
To me, becoming one half of a relationship is about giving up control. Control of your boundaries, control of what are and are not comfortable with doing. You start to make plans with that other person or around that other person.
It is no longer my life, but it becomes ‘our’ life and that scares me.
Yet, I have begun to see that with my relationship with God. I was, am, scared to still give up control to Him. Yes, He knows the plans He has for me, and yes, I am aware of this fact, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult to want to keep on the road by myself, ignoring any and all signs He may be providing me.
And I have noticed how that keeps me spinning out of control.
In my mind, I am allowing the tempest of what ifs to take over. Instead of being in control, which is why I am holding steadily on to being single, I am falling further away from that control. Instead of holding onto my doubts, my insecurities, and my past I need to relinquish them to God. My hold onto them has been tight enough; they no longer define me. First and foremost I am a child of God and He does want the best for me. And like any stubborn child, I have been bound and determined to ignoring His advice.
Only He knows the true path I am to take; only He knows when I will meet the man with whom I get to finish out my walk with Christ. Will it be sooner rather than later? I don’t know. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine with me.